Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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