You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
