i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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