I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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