I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well I just put wine in my tea
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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