My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
