I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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