She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
