I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
