I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
