i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
