I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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