He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
