I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
