A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
