i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I want her autograph on my taint
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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