Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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