So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
