Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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