apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
