I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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