I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
