filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
