Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I met the friendliest cop last night
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
