god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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