I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
