My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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