Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
