She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
