I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
