this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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