he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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