I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
