It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
