Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
