im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
