I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
