My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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