I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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