I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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