She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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