Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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