tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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