Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
