That's when you crack a 10am beer
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
