today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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