I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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