I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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