My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
