my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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