dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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