toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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