So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
