Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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