CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
