I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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